Foiled Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

Just Mustard

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Blonde Lottery

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

Great News

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Ready, Aim...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Painting Blonde

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Painting Blonde 2

So, there was this blonde who wanted to buy her husband this REALLY nice gift for Valentine's day. So she decided to go around the neighborhood, asking them if they had anything that they would want her to do, and she would do it. So the first house she went to was the Anderson's. She rang their doorbell and said, Hello Mr. Anderson! Sorry to bother you, but i was wondering if you needed any chores being done, and i would be more the happy to do them for you. You see, I am trying to raise money for-Enough said , said Mr Anderson. It would be great if you would paint my porch!! there is paint in the garadge! Mrs.Anderson then said to her husband, do you think she knows that the porch goes all around the house? i mean, that may be a lot of paint. "Well sure! She was standing on the porch anyway!" Said Mr.Anderson. "it might take a while, but I am sure we have enough paint!"

In only 20 minutes she came back and said " Im finished!! And there is paint left over."

Mr. Anderson said, " Did you paint the whole porch?"

Yah. And by the way, ....Thats a Porsche, not a porch.."

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

The Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

Broken Bones

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

Two horses and a blonde

One day a blonde buys two horses but she can't tell them apart so she calls up her friend and says," I got these two horses but I can't tell them apart. What should I do?" Her friend says try tying a ribbon in one of your horses tails." The next day the blonde calls back and says," It didn't work the ribbon came out. What now." So her friend says," Try spray painting one of your horses manes." The blonde calls back the next day and says,"The spray paint washed out." So her friend says,"I am all out of ideas." So the next day the blonde calls back and says,"I just figured out that the white horse is ten inches taller than the black horse!"

The Microwave

This blonde walks into a hardware store and asks the guy at the cashier,"Can I buy that microwave?" He replies,"No im sorry we don't sell to blondes." So she goes home and dies her hair green.She goes back and asks" Can I buy that microwave?" "No im sorry we don't sell to blondes" So goes home and does the same thing with burnette, red, and blue. The last time she goes in she says "How do you always know who I am?" He replies "Because thats a T.V."